Narcissists can wreak havoc in your life. They’re difficult to deal with, and leave you doubting yourself. Doubting your sanity, and doubting yourself as a person.

Narcissists are known to cause depression and anxiety amongst people who share their lives with them. Narcissists cause A LOT of damage.

That’s why I feel strongly that you should learn about narcissism. I’ve been bitten several times in my life. And I wish I’d learned earlier. Once you know about narcissism, you can better protect yourself.

Signs Someone’s A Narcissist

Here’s a few tell tale signs someone’s a narcissist…

• They’re never wrong. Even when something is clearly their fault. They rarely hold their hands up and admit they did wrong.

• They blame shift. If they do something wrong, they turn things round and blame you. They might even blame you about something completely unrelated. They’ll wriggle and worm their way out of taking responsibility for their actions.

• Narcissists usually hate being alone. They often desperately pester people to spend time with them.

• They antagonise. Narcissists grow bored with peace and harmony. They deliberately antagonise to create drama.

• They fake “bad moods” These are designed to make everyone tiptoe around them.

• Narcissists lack empathy. They struggle to see things from other peoples’ perspective. Although many fake they can.

• They like to be seen as “perfect”. And criticise others for not being perfect.

• Narcissists big themselves up and exaggerate past achievements.

• Narcissists usually talk about themselves and things important to them. If you change the subject, they quickly change it back to themselves.

• They HATE it when you’re ill. Don’t expect genuine sympathy! Narcissists often act like they don’t believe you’re ill. And may antagonise you whilst you’re feeling under the weather.

• Narcissists are often nice to complete strangers or people they’re not close to. But are the complete opposite with their “nearest and dearest”.

• They’re often late! Narcissists place a high value on their own time, but not on yours.

Why Narcissists Can Be Difficult To Spot

With all these traits, you’d think a narcissist is easy to spot. But that’s not always the case. Here’s why…

At the beginning of a relationship, or friendship, narcissists usually put on the nice act. They’re funny, kind, considerate and great to be around. This is often referred to as the “love bombing” stage.

Once a narcissist feels they have you “hooked”, they gradually roll out their true selves. They might start with the odd condescending remark, and test your boundaries. If you object, they usually say they were joking. Or comment on how sensitive you are.

If a narcissist senses they’ve pushed you too far, they might retract back to their nice act for a while.

Gradually a narcissist gets you used to their put downs and selfish behaviours. Because it’s done gradually, you often don’t notice. And they shift the blame of their actions on to you anyway. You can be left thinking you’re being over-sensitive or harsh on them.

Many narcissists are good at faking empathy. This throws you off their scent. But look at how they act, rather than what they say.

Narcissists In Romantic Relationships

At the beginning of a romantic relationship, narcissists play nice. Like I mentioned earlier, they “love bomb”. They’ll tell you how great you are, how much you mean to them, and all the things they know you want to hear.

Narcissists are often referred to as “mirrors”. They work out what you want in a partner, then become that person. Yes they’ll actually fake who they are to reel you in.

But they can’t keep this act up forever. It’s draining faking you’re someone you’re not. Narcissists realise they have a race against time. They’ll try and get you “hooked” as quickly as possible, before their “mask slips”.

Narcissists often rush through the stages of a relationship. They might declare their undying love for you within a couple of weeks. Suggest you move in with them. Try and have children with you. Or get married. It can be quite a whirlwind.

At times you may notice their mask slipping. They might “uncharacteristically” put you down or act selfishly. But often you’ll think it’s just them having a bad day.

Once they feel you’re emotionally invested, expect to see the worst of them. They’re now more comfortable showing you their true selves. When you don’t know about narcissism, you’re left wondering why they’ve changed. But the truth is they were always this way. They just hadn’t shown you yet.

And if you confront them on why they’ve “changed”, they’ll think up some excuse, and possibly blame you. “I’m still upset over my Grandfather who died 15 years ago”; or “You don’t show me enough love”.

Narcissists often grow bored of their partners. They might disappear for a while, end things, or have an affair. When they want you back, they play on how nice they were at the beginning, and promise to be like that again.

Narcissists As Friends

Narcissists have a similar pattern with friends, but not as intense as with romantic relationships. They play the nice act at first, until you become closer. Then let out their narcissistic behaviours.

EVERYTHING becomes about them. If you go to them with a problem, they quickly change the subject, or accuse you of being a baby. But they’ll want you to listen to their problems. They’re the only ones allowed to have problems!

Everything begins to circle around their needs. They usually have some sort of “problem” that they need your help with. And you’re expected to rush to their rescue. They sometimes fake “bad moods” so that people tiptoe around them.

Narcissist friends stop doing things you want to do. It all becomes about what the narcissist wants to do. And they often don’t take “no” for an answer. They may become obviously jealous if you spend time with other friends. They really don’t care about your quality of life.

They play strange power games, like turning up deliberately late. Or putting you down in front of others. It’s all to establish their dominance over you. Narcissists don’t want anything remotely close to a 50/50 relationship.

Narcissist Parents

Narcissists often view significant others as an extension of themselves. And none more so than narcissistic parents.

They’ll criticise and put you down in private. They’re entitled to say to you whatever they please. Then talk you up to their friends – “They get that from me!”.

They often ignore their children in private, but dote on them in public. They like to be seen to be a great parent. But don’t care for actually being one.

This is obviously not ideal for a child’s development.

Narcissistic parents don’t really care about their children’s dreams and ambitions. They more care about how they make them look to others.

The Damage Narcissists Cause

Spending a lot of time with narcissists can cause psychological problems. Many former partners report depression and anxiety.

Narcissists often cause “cognitive dissonance” in those close to them. They often say one thing, but do something completely different. They might say how much they love spending time with you. Then stand you up last minute when something “better” comes up. And if you confront them, they find ways of shifting blame on to you. “Oh you’re so controlling!”

This leaves people confused and disorientated. Their gut feeling says they’re being taken advantage of. But the narcissist provides a different narrative. And if you spend a lot of time with them, you end up genuinely confused. This isn’t good for your long term mental health.

Narcissists may also take over your life. They expect you to be there for them when they click their fingers. And they take the hump if you’re not. This stops some people making other plans through fear of “letting them down”.

Narcissists can ruin your self confidence. Years of subtle and no-so-subtle digs take their toll. Narcissist LIKE to ruin your confidence. They know people lacking in confidence are easier to control. And narcissists are all about control.

The “Grey Rock” Method

I often advise people to stay away from narcissists. But sometimes this isn’t possible. Especially if they’re a family member, or you share children with them.

For those that HAVE to deal with a narcissist, there’s the “Grey Rock” method.

This is where you become unemotional when dealing with them. Boring and still, like a grey rock!

Narcissists like to antagonise to gain an emotional reaction. They look for sore spots of things you’re sensitive about. Once they find them, they delight in knowing they have the power to squeeze them whenever they choose.

By going “grey rock”, you deny them the pleasure of winding you up. They want a reaction from you. Even being yelled and insulted is a win for them. In their minds, they MADE you act that way.

For example say they know you often fall out with your Dad. A narcissist might ask “So, I expect you’ve fallen out with your Dad… again?!” with a smirk.

It’s mighty tempting to tell them to mind their Goddamm business! But that’s playing into their hands. Remember, they WANT you to get angry with them.

The “grey rock” response is to not act defensive or emotional. “We’ve been getting on pretty well lately. But thanks for your concern.”

Or “Yeh he can be difficult, but things are fine thanks.”

This MUST be answered in a non sarcastic way. Like you believe they’re genuinely asking because they care. If the narcissist senses any slight negative emotion, they’ll think they’ve “won”. And they’ll keep pressing that sore spot.

Another good tactic is to laugh and agree with their put downs. This takes all the power from what they’ve said.

For instance they might say “I expect you failed your exam last week. You never were the sharpest tool in the box.”

You might reply jokingly, “Yeah I’ve always been a dizzy blonde!”.

The best way I would describe “grey rock” is to be professional. Like you’re a customer service adviser at work. Don’t take anything personally. Just act like you haven’t picked up on their subtle and not-so-subtle digs.

Take things literally if its a subtle dig. Narcissists often use sarcasm as a put down, then claim they weren’t. “I only said I bet you did GREAT in your exam!”. Beat them at their own game, “Yeh it went pretty well thanks.” That leaves THEM confused!

When they don’t get the drama and the emotional responses they want, they quickly grow bored of trying to wind you up.

With a little practice you can become an expert grey rocker. It’s a great life skill to have.

Final Thoughts

I hope my guide helps you identify narcissists in your life. And helps you realise the conflict and drama is NOT your fault. Even though they WILL blame you.

Narcissists often leave people with low self confidence and low self esteem. They usually target the more empathetic people. These are the sort of people that doubt themselves when blamed.

Narcissists are draining to be around, so I would advise you at least keep them at arms length. That way they’re less likely to hit you with as many narcissistic behaviours.

If you don’t need to deal with them, then I’d seriously question whether you should keep them in your life. Whilst I don’t agree that narcissists are “evil”, they are damaged. And they can damage you too.

Remember, it’s your life. And you don’t have to spend it dealing with people who don’t care about you. Find people that want mutually beneficial relationships. And those who care about you, as much as you care about them.

And remember, their bad behaviours are about them, not you.

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